How to respectfully ask someone where they're from

“Where are you from?”

While for some this is an innocent and well-intended question, we need to understand why it may be received as otherwise and why it can be such a personal one for POC to be asked.

Some of us are used to being asked where we are from and often it can take us aback, especially when it’s one of the very first questions someone asks us and can come across quite vague. I know when I’m asked the question, my thought process is often, “Do they mean where was I born?”, “Where abouts I live?” or “Where my family is from?”

Deep down, I know what they mean but I never want to assume and perhaps it’s wishful thinking that if it’s the latter, to hope for them to get to a place where they can ask the question in an honest and respectful way but to also really unpack what encouraged them to ask me it in the first place and if it’s neccesary in that moment.

Many POC have often found that when the person asking the question doesn’t hear the response they expected, they can potentially follow it up with further questions. An example of this is if someone were to ask me the question and I responded with “Australia”, which is where I was born and raised, and suddenly it becomes clear I haven’t answered their question to their liking as they would then pry further and ask, “No, where are you really from?”, or it’s me meeting someone for the first time and them almost immediately saying something along the lines of, “You speak English really well, where are you from?”

For me personally, it’s the follow up questions and commentary like when I tell people I’m Vietnamese and I’m told I’m one of the “good” or “better” Asians. I had a conversation with a lady who was passing by my house one day and she asked me where I’m from and when I told her, she responded with, “Oh yes, I like the Vietnamese, the Chinese on the other hand…” It reminds me of growing up and being told, “You’re not like all of the other Asians”. This speaks to how some people perceive marginalised communities in a certain way and have such a low opinion of them that they feel that instead of just being able to pay me a compliment, it can only be in comparison to the “other Asians” that they don’t think that highly of.

I can understand that people are curious and perhaps wanting to know more about us, but I think it’s important to consider what it feels like to be relentlessly questioned on your existence and at times, made to explain or justify it. It can be exceptionally tiring and triggering. The question can make some of us feel that we’re foreign. We don’t look like we belong in Western countries. We’re not from here. We aren’t part of the status quo. We’re different. We’re the Other. It can make us question our cultural identity and our sense of belonging. It’s a reminder that we exist in white spaces and our race and identity will forever be questioned and challenged.

I hope no-one misunderstands me because I’m not saying that you’re not allowed to show an interest in where someone comes from or ask them about their background. I just wish to share my perspective and how it can make some of us feel, have you reflect on whether this is a question you need to ask or whether you can reframe it or rethink the timing of it and have you think about whether entitlement and implicit bias is coming into play here.

If it does come down to curiosity and wanting to know someone better rather than making a spectacle of their race and highlighting that they seem like they’re not from here, I wonder how often white people ask each other this question, if at all?

Here’s my advice on how you can respectfully ask someone where they’re from, if you feel it is appropriate:

Don’t let it be the very first question you ask someone.

I’ve been there before where I’m in a social or professional setting, namely with people I’m only meeting for the first time, and from the corner of my eye, I can feel someone not taking in what I’m actually saying and instead intensely staring at me with a sense of curiosity but also surprise and then instead of engaging thoughtfully with me, will ask “Where are you from?” This makes me feel like I’m on display and that my race will always be front and center for people. I want people to recognise and respect me as an Asian woman, but I don’t want it to be the only part of me they focus on. Let the conversation build and flow naturally. Connect with a person before asking such a question.

Provide a reason as to why you’re asking the question.

Once you’ve built trust and rapport with someone, you could try asking it along the lines of one of the following:

• “I’d love to learn more about you and your heritage, and you mine, can I ask you what your cultural background is/where your family is from?”

• If someone brings it up themselves, take that as an opportunity and respond with, “Thank you for sharing that/That’s so interesting, can you tell me more about your culture/cultural background?”

• “I love learning about different cultures, if you’re comfortable, could you share with me a bit about yours?”

Be mindful of how you ask the question and be specific.

Be clear on what you want to know and ask the question in a clear but respectful manner. Avoid asking the question in a way that makes someone feel excluded and along the lines of, “You definitely aren’t from here, where are you from?” Ask in a manner that is thoughtful and showcases curiosity rather than making someone feel singled out. I can personally tell when someone is asking me a question about my culture and identity to get to really know me as opposed to someone who is asking me as a segue into a punchline or stereotype.

Be aware of how they’re responding to being asked the question.

If you can tell that someone is withdrawing or not responding well to the question, do not probe them further and if you feel it’s appropriate, apologise if you’ve made them uncomfortable or crossed a boundary. Do not make them feel guilty for reacting the way they have.

Pause and reflect. Understand why you’re asking the question and ask yourself if it needs to be asked at all.

If you feel tempted to ask the question, stop yourself and think about why you want to know where someone is from and if it’s appropriate to ask. As mentioned earlier, there is no harm in seeing if the question can be asked in a seamless way further into the conversation. Timing is important.

Think about the way you frame the question and move away from feeling like the only way it can be asked is as “Where are you from"?” and “No, where are you really from?”

Also ask yourself how necessary it is for you to know the answer and if it’s going to make you see or treat that person any differently.

Lastly, I’d like to share this brilliant article that also speaks to this topic.