Can we please stop judging Asian women for who they choose to date?

I‘ve seen the commentary unfold on social media posts celebrating the first ever Asian lead, Jenn Tran, in Bachelor Nation history, marred with Asian men stating that it was no surprise that there was little representation in terms of Asian suitors (there was only one, Thomas Nguyen, and I don’t believe he was a fan favourite), blaming Jenn for the casting decisions and claiming that she is a self-hating white worshipper. In regards to the latter, I see this commentary unfold time and time again.

Whenever I scroll through my FYP (For You Page) on social media and I see a post of an Asian woman and her white male partner, I know how the comments section is going to play out. I am never wrong. Every single time, there are comments from Asian men or fake accounts that feed into this narrative that Asian women should only date Asian men and those who date outside of their race, especially those who date white men, are betraying their own kind, deserve to be fetishised, despise all Asian men and should be responsible and held accountable for Asian men being painted as “undesirable” and “unloveable.” It’s all a bit too much…

Next Shark is an Asian-led media organisation based in the US and I do wish they’d do more to monitor and shut down the hateful comments that Asian men leave towards Asian women on their posts. They had posted on Jenn Tran to their Instagram account and the post was titled, ‘The shocking finale of Jenn Trans ‘The Bachelor Journey’ to which the comments ranged from, “She’s still choosing the white guy after this”, “Asian girl hugging up on white dudes, no thanks”, “She ain’t redefining anything. She’s just a pawn of white liberal media who are objectifying her while minimising the Asian man”, “Typical YT man/Asian female situation. Hit it and quit it”, “Them Asian women done this to themselves” and “Another thotty non traditional and immature americanised Asian woman who won’t date her own men and becomes another statistic for failed marriage” and “So the pick me Asian girl got dumped by the mid white boy who got to live out his yellow fever fantasies? I’m truly shocked.”

There were comments that stated, “She should’ve gone with an Asian guy who generally tend to be more loyal imo. If only they had more Asians”, “You should have stuck with the Asian guy. You chose poorly”, “Asian dude stood no chance” and “Didn’t need to watch it to know who’d she pick and how it’ll end. Wanted to see Thomas Nguyen win on his own show.” Why are we assuming that just because that man is Asian that him and Jenn would have a strong connection and chemistry just on that basis alone?

This is nothing more than misogyny and racism intertwined. It’s Asian men feeling that they’re entitled to Asian women and contributing their two cents on our love lives while also almost gloating that we deserve to be treated poorly if we choose to date white men. We deserve agency over who we date. If we date outside of our race, it doesn’t mean that we hate our race and Asian men. Can we just all admit that many of us are struggling/have struggled with internalised racism and that it is not just reserved for Asian women? We should date for the person, not to meet other’s expectations and because we feel forced by Asian men to have to date them. Who is to say that if Asian women date Asian men that it guarantees we’ll be treated well and with respect?

The cognitive dissonance in Asian men claiming that Asian women perpetuate racism and stereotypes against them while also doing the same to Asian women by way of reducing us to voiceless beings who are to be silent and submissive over our own romantic choices and life decisions, as well as making comments that suggest we should expect to be fetishised and sexualised by white men by choosing to date them.

I decided to comment on that Next Shark post. I said something along the lines of Asian men need to stop policing who Asian women should and shouldn’t date and I shared this part from the chapter ‘Not Your Asian Fetish’ of my book ‘Safe Space’, “We put Asian women in a difficult position when we tell them they should be with an Asian man and assume that Asian people can only be with and love Asian people or when we tell them that they shouldn’t be dating non-Asians because they are then whitewashed or a self-hating Asian. We need to be mindful of policing who Asian women can and can’t date because when we do that, we enable a culture where we prioritise men’s needs and wants above our own. We can’t hold such a responsibility and why should the burden be only ours to carry?”, to which it took no time before Asian men responded with, “OR maybe stop talking shit about Asian men and allowing Hollywood to use y’all as tools to continue this BS emasculation of Asian men? Nothing funnier than watching pick me Asian women like her getting played”, “You Asian females only want support from us Asian males when y’all getting crapped on. Remember we didn’t start this war” and those who took my use of the term “policing” way too literally and asked me who is physically stopping Asian women from dating white men?

I am not trying to disregard the experiences of Asian men as there are Asian women who have made comments, admittedly myself included when I was younger, of '“I’d never date an Asian guy” or “I can’t date him, he reminds me of my brother (or *insert family member*)!” As I share in my book, “Asian women are not the only group to emasculate Asian men or not date them and trying to guilt, shame or pressure them into it isn’t going to solve the root problem – that being a culture that spreads the message that Asian men aren’t dateable or desirable. We need to challenge that first and foremost instead of expecting Asian women to single-handedly fix this problem. There’s work we need to do collectively to break down harmful myths and stereotypes about Asian men. Showing aggression towards Asian women won’t get us anywhere.” As eden-sunset stated on a Reddit thread on this topic, “It's sad that the real enemy is white supremacy/patriarchy, and they take their anger out on women of their own race.” I wish they realised that their frustration is misplaced.

There is a sense of selfishness and ownership at play when Asian men feel entitled to Asian women. We do not owe you anything. We are not your scapegoat. We are not yours. With a lot of the bitterness and loathing of Asian women that they have expressed, I can’t speak for anyone else, but this doesn’t make me want to date them and it surprises me that they’re exceptionally critical of Asian women and complain that we won’t date them when they’re showing us so much disdain and disrespect. How can you hate the people who you are claiming won’t choose you and who you seemingly want to date you/that you want to date? I think there comes a time where we need to take responsibility for how we show up in the world and need to self-reflect. Asian women should not have to forever handhold and coddle Asian men.

We also need to acknowledge the stark contrast and double standard between Asian women being heavily criticised by Asian men for dating white men but when Asian men date white women, they’re praised by one another and given a pat on the back. I think they neglect to see how they, too, are impacted and influenced by whiteness as the ideal and desirable. I don’t seem to hear the heavy echoes from Asian women that these men are self-hating Asians and cries of “why won’t he choose us?!” Are we starting to realise the power imbalance here?

Asian men may see relationships with white women as a form of social validation and perhaps not realise their desire to gain proximity to whiteness the way some of them so boldly accuse Asian women of. When Asian women date white men, Asian men may feel like they’re losing out or as though it somehow diminishes their status and self-perception, however when Asian men date white women some of them may see it as overcoming obstacles related to race and view it as an achievement.

I think some of these Asian men who accuse Asian women of having internalised racism really need to confront their own and those who claim we’re “white worshippers” need to think of how that manifests in their own life.